oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
