i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
