he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize