How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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