wat bout pragnant strippers??
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
