I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
