i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
