dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
