I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
