Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
