I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
