I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
