ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
