I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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