How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
