Moan for me like Helen Keller
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
