I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
