You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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