and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you would pick up someone in the library
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
