My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
