I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
that's an acceptable place to lick
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
