take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
