could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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