I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
