The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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