Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm at about main and main street
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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