I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
