1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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