Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
