He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize