What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
