In the future we'll all be gay
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
