I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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