Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
