I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
