so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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