My liver just broke up with me...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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