I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
