My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
