According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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