the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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