come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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