Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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