Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
