just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize