he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
