the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
