It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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