u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
