I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
