she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
