We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
