i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
