Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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