I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
