Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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