My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
