Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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