WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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