someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
